What are you so afraid of?

So, I bought a book today after work, titled I Quit Sugar. I then took said book to Starbucks, where I read it while drinking a grande CaramelNonsenseSomething Frappucino. No, the irony is not lost on me. I’m the same person who loves to eat candy while watching The Biggest Loser, and judge everyone (I know I’m not the only one who does that, BTW). Anyway, it struck me while I was sitting there-I do a lot of thinking and talking and dreaming about the things I want to do, from the mundane (i.e.,something as silly as cutting out sugar in my diet), to the more grand (pursuing my interests more seriously/professionally). Yet, day after day, I do the same thing, and very rarely do I step outside my routine. Of course now I have a kid, so there’s something to be said for routine, but you get what I’m saying. I’m paralyzed by real change, for some reason. I think a lot of us are. We are all so scared to take a chance.

I think when we’re younger, we are thrilled by change, by risk, the opportunity to take a crack at something you have no idea about. Everything is new and fresh and offers adventure. Yet somewhere between the carefree nature of your younger days and where you are now, your brain starts automatically conducting risk-benefit analyses on just about everything that could be affected by change. Health insurance, the comfort that routine provides, failure, outside criticism, worries that you’re being irrational and entitled (a perk of my generation), your 401k, guilt for taking the time to start doing what fills your soul. Or maybe you’re just so tired that the thought of taking two extra steps a day to work on something new seems unmanageable. So you shrug it off, and keep moving forward.

How did I get here? I wonder. When did I become so inflexible and constrained by my own life? It happens so subtly, throughout your twenties, after college when you’re chasing the goals that our culture sets for us-success, measured in tangibles. We’re told we should be making a ton of money, and be perpetually happy, sexy, skinny, funny, smart. You need a big house, great cars, vacations, stuff, stuff and more stuff. Fill your life with things and what do you ultimately want? More things. Nothing is ever enough. So you keep working in that job that does nothing for your spirit, that causes you more grief and stress and pain than anything else…so you can put that mass-produced Pottery Barn farm table in your house. It’s all so stupid.

So, I decided today that I’m going to stop being afraid of being free, of being happy. I wear a bracelet around my wrist everyday, an old gold key engraved with the word “Fearless”, to remind me of who I want to be. It’s time to start living that. I am going to start wanting and needing less, giving more, and living with intention. I want to stop doing things that aren’t good for me, physically or spiritually. It’s a terrifying thought. But we’re only enslaved by the things that we let control us, so it’s time let it go, and take a risk.

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Sorry I’m Not Sorry.

Have you guys read this post? A few people have shared it via Facebook and for me, it was one of those things you may hear a thousand times, but then on that 1001st time, you really listen. And then you start thinking: what are all the things I am apologizing for, things for which I am not even remotely remorseful?

Over the past few years, I’ve been working on this very tic (which is what it feels like), catching myself apologizing, then following that up with, “No, actually, I’m not sorry”. Which, admittedly, probably sounds a little off-putting to whomever happens to be there, but I don’t care. It’s the only way I can reinforce my commitment to stopping that knee-jerk response. I think that as women, we are given a very clear message from infancy-that we need to act like ladies. What does that even mean? It means that we need to not take up too much space, we need to be quiet, agreeable, and please everyone around us, to the very real sacrifice of ourselves, of what makes us who we are. And, my friends, is bullshit.

Take little girls, for example. Before the world swallows them up, and spits them back out into the world of adolescence, they are vivacious, joyful, spirited, and confident. I watched my niece stand around in her bathing suit recently, little belly jutting out, dripping a popsicle gleefully down her face and arms, and I was jealous. I was actually jealous of the fact that she has no concept of being painfully conscious of her body, her visibility, the eyes of others following those rivulets of melted popsicle as they trickle down her chin. That, is freedom. Not automatically trying to shrink herself into invisibility, wondering what people are thinking about her belly, her legs, the fact that she’s eating for pleasure. That’s all going to erode, though; in 3, 4, 5 years, she’ll start to doubt herself, her body, her voice. She’ll start to be sorry.

And think about all of the apologizing we do to ourselves-the way we might lament speaking “out of turn” at work, or how we hunch over, wearing dark colors and high necklines, because we feel like our breasts are too big, a liability for own safety, and for being taken seriously. Or, my personal favorite-gathering the courage to ask for what you want…and then immediately following that up with “Is that OK? Sorry to ask, but…”.

This article helped me to better evaluate the things I’m apologizing for, overtly or otherwise. And I needed it, because this age of 33, this journey into what I consider true adulthood after the extended adolescence of our twenties, is a beautiful thing. I’m becoming so much more comfortable with who I am, what I represent, and the things and people I value. So, no…I’m not sorry for my body, or my desire to be by myself at times, or my political bent, or for making jokes that “women shouldn’t make”. I’m not sorry for a million things. Those things make me who I am, and I happen to think that I am pretty fucking awesome. I do, however, apologize if you find issue with that. That, is a genuine apology.

Tell me ladies (and you boys, too, if you’re so inclined)-what are you ready to stop apologizing for?