Wow, ok.

Welp, that escalated quickly. I’m coming to you from my dining room table which has become a sort of weird self-isolation command center: work space, school space, puzzle I’m never going to actually finish space, and other random detritus that gives me anxiety to even look at. I’m not a cluttered dining room table person, and quite frankly, this is just more stress I don’t need right now. Fucking social distancing.

We’re on day 4, and I don’t know about you, but life over here is pure lawlessness. I’m wearing jeans that I’ve had on since like Sunday, trying to work (and by work, I mean transfer my entire service area over to a remote model), educate my kid, keep my dog exercised, and keep the house quiet so my husband can also deal with 1,000 conference calls. I’ve never felt more in control! *cries, stuffs Oreos/english muffins/pretzels/string cheese/Dots in mouth*

Here’s a true illustration of how it’s going: yesterday, Andy and I both had to be on important calls simultaneously, so I tried setting D up with some art to keep him busy. As is his norm, he flew through it in 10 minutes, and began whining and flinging himself all over the sofa for attention, while I muted my phone and hissed violently at him to be quiet. The call I was on was full of feedback/static and everyone kept talking at the same time, which was enraging me, and then! THEN. The dog started throwing up. And then D started dry-heaving, and I just started in disbelief that my life has taken this turn so rapidly. I mean, WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? So, I sat for another 45 minutes on this call, angry, staring at piles of rapidly cooling dog puke in my living room that I could do nothing about. How’s it going at your house?

For real, though, this is weird, right? I keep vacillating between “This is fine, we can do this” and “Holy shit, this doesn’t have an end date, and I’m going to be stuck at home for the rest of my life.” Anyone that knows me, knows that the idea of being “caged” in by anything really, really doesn’t sit well with me.

Today’s a good day for me, but honestly, most days I am scared and deeply unsettled. About all the same things you are: the economy, the social isolation, the illness, the long-term effects of all this. I’m pissed at the lack of testing, the lack of sound guidance and leadership from the shithead pretending to be president, the countless people on social media who keep spreading misinformation as fact, in that angry, grammatically-inept, misspelled, racist way they have. I’m worried about D’s lack of interaction and opportunities to play with other children. About how I structure his days to ensure that he completes his educational responsibilities and meets expected outcomes, while I also try to work. And for real-if the weather turns and we start getting days on end of rain, shit’s going to get VERY dark over here. My one saving grace is being outside multiple times a day, getting to take walks.

But! All of this aside, I see some benefits in what we’re living through:

-People are waking up to the way they live, in terms of sustainability, destruction, waste and mindlessness. This very much includes me.

-I have witnessed so much generosity and kindness between people, and things that have been created to help people feel less isolated. People are realizing we all belong to each other. I wrote on social media the other night about how bad I was feeling, and my friend Sean took the time to do a meditation with me over FB Live. Not only did the meditation itself help, but I came away feeling less lonely and disconnected from others. Sean, if you’re reading this, I hope you know how much you impacted me with your kindness.

-My dog is getting WAY more exercise.

-I am getting WAY more exercise.

And the big one: it’s been a huge lesson in gratitude.

As I look around at all the mindless hoarding occurring, the isolation so many people are facing, the health complications that people face that makes this deadly for them, I realized with renewed sense that I am SO lucky. We have enough food, and the ability to get more whenever we need it. We have a warm, cozy home to stay in. I have love-my husband and son, and my friends. I have technology to call those friends and see their beautiful faces smiling back at me. But with all that, I (and so many others) are responsible to lighten the load for others. So, I sincerely hope that everyone out there that can, is helping out: your neighbors, your local businesses, the children in your community. Even just a phone call can change someone’s day right now.

I know that we are just at the beginning of all this, so I want us all to connect: tell me how you’re experiencing all this-leave a comment here, or on social media. Let’s talk, and share, and love.

The stories we tell ourselves.

In the work I’m doing to heal and grow, I’ve been thinking a lot about self-narrative. You know, the story you tell yourself about who you are, how the world sees you, and what you’re capable of. The things you just accept as fact about yourself. Of course, this is great when that narrative is affirming, but what about all the other things we tell ourselves, that aren’t so great?

I’m reading a book now called Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies, by Tara Schuster and in it, Schuster calls this narrative “the frenemy within.”  It’s that voice that tells you all the shitty things you come to believe about yourself-you’re lazy, undeserving, incapable, and so on, and how mindlessly we just absorb it all as gospel, shrinking ourselves from our full potential and ability to achieve the goals we have. That gave me pause. Do I do that? LOL, you sure as hell do!

So I got up this morning to journal (another Schuster strategy) before the day started, and explored this a bit further. I wrote down all the stories I tell myself about who I am…and it wasn’t great. I have terrible internal narratives about:

-my ambition/initiative/work success

-my parenting abilities

-my relationships

-my appearance

-my personality

Then I further broke each down, and looked at the root of my self-perceptions. And objectively speaking, nothing is rooted in undeniable fact. They’re rooted in societal norms, me taking things personally that are not personal whatsoever (another thing I need to work on), and my history: my childhood, traumas I’ve experienced, things I’ve witnessed other people experience, my struggles with anxiety.

After last week’s post, I got a lot of messages from people saying how much my experiences resonated with where they are in life, too. So, if that’s the case for you, I urge you to reflect on your self-narrative and try breaking it down: think about what you to believe to be true about yourself that isn’t positive or serving you, and then take some time to dissect it. Why do you hold those thoughts? How is it affecting your life, your plans, your goals? I think it might surprise you, how much you’re holding yourself back.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hobble back to the sofa to ice my lower back, since I injured it last night by STANDING UP FROM A CHAIR. #foreveryoung

Love you, bbs.

Where did I go?

Almost 4 years. That’s the last time I wrote. The last time I did something I have loved doing my entire life. While we’re at it, I haven’t removed my camera from its bag in years, either. There are so many things like this that I’m discovering lately, as the realization sinks in that I seem to have lost myself. I don’t know what happened, or how to get back to that place.

I’ve slowly taken up a meditation practice over the past 4 months, and it’s been eye-opening, in terms of really examining myself and my life from all angles. The realization that I’ve been on this weird auto-pilot, while also feeling extremely unfulfilled and lost. I look in the mirror, and I don’t recognize myself- physically (which is another source of inner turmoil) or spiritually…my eyes have lost their light. While there is part of me that is grateful to be seeing myself more clearly, I have to say…it’s really, really painful and uncomfortable. And I can’t get away from it.

Like all women, I give a lot of myself away, all the time. My career, my marriage, parenthood, community obligations, you name it-it sucks me dry. Until now, I haven’t been able to name it. I am frequently angry, impatient, sad, and exhausted. And guilty-all the time, for seemingly everything. For thinking I should be taking on more at work to demonstrate my readiness for new opportunities, for making lazy dinners instead of an IG-worthy meal (that’s also organic!), for not playing a bit longer with D, for the food I put in my mouth and the exercise I don’t do, for going up to bed early to read before I sleep,  because I could be spending that time with A, for not giving my hair a full blowout in the morning, opting instead to tie it up on my head. And a million more things I can’t articulate. It looms.

Why do we do this to ourselves? More accurately, why do we allow societal constraints, media, and expectations to tell us that there is only one way to live: to do it all, to be everything to everyone, and do so with a smile on your face. Don’t be angry, don’t be difficult, don’t complain, don’t cry, don’t be too much. Be agreeable. Think of everyone else! Don’t be selfish. THEY NEED YOU.

It makes me want to run. And I’m confused by these feelings, because I have so much to be grateful for: a husband who supports me in all things, and lifts as many burdens from my shoulders as he can (while also making me laugh), a son who is brilliant, funny, kind, and open-hearted; friends who are the truest definition of family, for me. I’m healthy, my people are healthy, I have a home, a job, food to eat, access to healthcare.

What I’m discovering is, these aren’t feelings of wanting more…they are feelings of wanting less. Less pressure, less fast-paced expectation, less social media, less horrible news bombarding me around the clock from this dumpster fire of an administration,less DO DO DO. Less time constraint. Less guilt. Less of all these things to make room for real abundance: time, love, nature, mindfulness, patience, nourishment in all its forms, and joy. The way I measure success is changing, and I need to change with it.

So, I’m making some commitments to myself, and you:

-carve out time everyday for myself, to do something that lifts me up

-continue working on establishing boundaries for my own well-being

-name the things I need, to the people I love

With that, welcome back to this space. I’ve missed you.

Continue reading